Sueabilitation
by Feana Puddlefoot
Summary: UPDATED. The asylums stretch across all of Arda. But this particualar asylum is for survivors of Mary-Sues, driven mad by their plebian qualities. And a certain Legolas has just checked in...
1. One: La Folie

**Sueabilatation**

**by Feana Puddlefoot.**

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine, obviously.

NOTES: Consider this my way of recovering from the end of the Essential Guide to Mary-Sue which I'm very sad to let go off (and am tempted to cling to).

 The room was dark.

 This was because there was no light in it.

 This was because the inhabitant of the room was afraid to see what else resided in the room.

 This was because he was scared stiff that it might be his worst fear, other than bug repellent.

 Mary-Sue.

 'She walks in beauty, like the night..' the Elf mumbled listlessly. 'Where is that from, anyway? I know it sounds familiar. Did I just make it up? I don't think I did.'

 'Lord Byron.'

 Legolas shrieked. 'Who's there? And why are you calling me Lord Byron?'

 A flame flickered on to one of the candles and a dirty face was brought into the small light. 'My name is Aragorn. I'm also known as Estel, Elessar, Elfstone and a few other names. Have we met?'

 Legolas blinked. 'Maybe. I think I've seen you before.'

 Aragorn bit his lip. 'Some war.. about jewellery or something like that, I think, wasn't it?'

 'The War of the Ring?'

 'Whatever. Anyway, you were reciting a Lord Byron poem. Written sometime during 1875, I think.'

 'But that would mean he hasn't been born yet.'

 '… shut up.' Aragorn leaned back against the wall. 'So, I take it you're here because of the Sues? We've all been driven mad, you know.'

 'We?'

 'The other men, and I.'

 Legolas breathed a sigh of relief. 'Oh, I see.'

 'And the voices in my head, of course.'

 Legolas bolted up. 

 He touched his lip nervously. 'The voices?'

 Aragorn sounded annoyed. 'Yes, well, when you have as many names as myself, you start to assign them to different voices in your head. Do you have a problem with that, Sparky?'

 'Um, no. Of course not.'

 'Good.'

 Aragorn started to pick dirt out of his hair idly. Legolas wrinkled his nose and watched him in silent disgust. 

 'Which Sue drove you over the edge, then?' Aragorn muttered.

 Legolas sighed. 'Her name was Lowyn. She had raven black tresses which seemed to shine with an inner fire and eyes like cut diamonds. Her father was forcing her to marry some other Elf against her will and she ran away to Mirkwood, where she found me. We fell in love under a starry sky.'

 'Poor you.'

 'Mmm.'

 'For me,' Aragorn paused to look at Legolas meaningfully. 'It was some previously unmentioned sister of Arwen, who I couldn't resolve my hidden passion for, and ended up having a lot of sexual tension with until I finally bedded her and Arwen walked in on it to tell me that she was in love with Glorfindel anyway.'

 Legolas made a face. Aragorn mirrored it.

 At this moment, a tall man in a white coat pushed open the door and looked at them, with one raised eyebrow.

 'Still insane, I see.'

 Aragorn stuck his tongue out. 'Still got your head up your backside, I see.'

 The man coughed. 'I'll pretend I didn't hear that.'

 'I'll repeat it.'

 'Don't.'

 Legolas watched the two men as they fought to give eachother a look filled with more disgust and hatred. Eventually Aragorn looked away, snorting with derision. 

 'Welcome to the Middle-Earth Asylum for the Treatment of Insanity by Sues,' said the man, holding out a hand to Legolas. 'I'm Boromir, your personal guardian and I'll be making sure you don't bash your brains out against any unpadded walls, and that none of the other prison- I mean, patients, beat you up. From now on, this-' and he gestured to the bare cell that was devoid of any colour other than magnolia and grey, '-is your home.'

 Legolas closed his eyes in utter despair.

 'New patient, Father. His name is Legolas and he's blonde.'

 'Explains a lot. Isn't his father in the Middle-Earth Asylum for the Treatment of Insanity by Out-of-Characterness?' said Denethor, jotting down Legolas' name on the register.

 'Thranduil? Yes, I think he is. Top patient. Completely bonkers,' Boromir grinned, sitting down next to Denethor.

 'I'd be bonkers too if I was characterized as completely hating one of my sons,' mumbled Denethor. 

 Faramir coughed loudly. Denethor looked at him.

 'Maybe just you, Boromir.'

 'Alright.' Boromir stood up. 'Shall I inform Legolas of his treatment?'

 'What's his treatment?' said Faramir. Denethor ignored him, and spoke as if Boromir had asked the question.

 'First he's to be given counselling. If that doesn't work, we can just get someone to beat him up. Knock some sense into his head. Quite literally.'

 Faramir sighed. 'You tried that with Haldir. He just got paranoid and feared for his life and then became addicted to painkillers.'

 Denethor ignored him again.

 Boromir turned to Faramir. 'Haldir's just odd. He's always been odd. Perhaps Legolas will have a better reaction.'

 'I'm so glad you're my son,' Denethor said, smiling proudly at Boromir.

 In a far away cell, the Elf known as Haldir screamed and kicked the wall. 'Stop giving me looks!' he yelled. 'I know you're after me! I know! I know! I know!'


	2. Two: Red and Black

**Sueabilatation**

**by Feana Puddlefoot.**

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine, obviously.

 'What are we having for dinner, then?'

  Aragorn looked intently at Legolas. 'What makes you think we have dinner?'

  Legolas bit his lip. 'It's an important meal.'

  'Well, Eowyn stupidly made the mistake of telling Denethor that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. He took it to mean it was the only needed meal of the day.'

  'Eowyn?'

  'She's another patient. She's in the Out-of-Characterness Asylum, but she comes here sometimes to visit her brother.'

  There was silence in the cell for a few minutes before Legolas said, 'How many people are there in here?'

  Aragorn sounded subdued. 'Do you want me to tell the truth?'

  'Of course.'

  'About half the population of Middle-earth.'

  Legolas' mouth dropped open. 'You're joking, aren't you?'

  Aragorn shook his head, sadly. 'I wish I was. But it's true. The other half are in the other Asylums.'

  Legolas tried not to weep. There was silence for a few minutes. Legolas sighed. 'My father. He's in the Out-of-Characterness Asylum. He was driven mad by people constantly telling him he hated me.'

  Aragorn awkwardly put an arm around Legolas. 'Don't worry. You're not alone. My beautiful wife is in the Hated-by-Fans Asylum. Ever since I fell in love with her, people have bullied her and said cruel things about her. Even-' and Aragorn made a sound that vaguely resembled a sob, '-even made hate shrines to her.'

  'That's awful,' Legolas said, sympathetically.

  Aragorn cradled his head in his hands. 'With red and black colour schemes! Red and black, I tell you! Is there anything more heinous?'

  'Red and orange?'

  Aragorn sobbed louder.

  'Oh, right, I'm sorry,' Legolas said in a hurry. 'I didn't know it would upset you. Er.. how about blue and green? Do you like them?'

  'Are you sick?' Aragorn growled. 'I don't want to talk about this anymore. Freak.'

  'Legolas. Visitor for you,' Boromir said, popping his head round the door. 'Very pretty female. She says her name is Lowyn.'

  Legolas squeaked. 'No! No, no, no! I don't want to see her!'

  'Shall I send her away, then?'

  'Yes.'

  'Are you sure? She's terribly pretty.'

  'Look, you stupid git, she's the reason I'm here in the first place. Tell her to get out.'

  Boromir's lips twisted into something that definetly looked like a pout. He disappeared and was heard suavely telling Lowyn that Legolas didn't want to see her and that men, they were all bastards, weren't they? Except him, of course, Legolas noticed he was quick to add.

  'She'll come back,' Aragorn sniffed, from the corner. 'They always do.'

  'Has yours come back, then?'

  'Many times.' Aragorn shuddered. 'Many times.'

  Legolas sighed. 'Why is this happening?'

  Aragorn looked at him. 'It's because we're attractive men, Legolas. And you're blond. Looking at this from a psychological point of view, we can establish that the Sue or Stu feels she or he has to 'own' you and as a way of doing this they-'

  'How much counselling have you had?'

  Aragorn whistled. 'A lot.'

  Legolas scowled. 'It shows.'

  'I suppose you think you're real smart. Well, guess what? You're not. In fact, you're … you're … well, you're stupid. Yep.'

  Faramir could only raise an eyebrow in response.

  Eomer glared. 'I'm not impressed. Where's my cellmate, by the way?'

  Faramir sat down opposite Eomer. 'He's been moved, I'm afraid.'

  Anyone else nearby Eomer at that moment would have fled, for he looked so incredibly angry that even Faramir – who had been threatened with mild toasting by Denethor if he ran from the Rohirrim – had to shudder.

  'Why?!' Eomer spat.

  Faramir edged away slowly, holding up his hands. 'Well, you see, we thought it was dangerous for him to be around someone who liked beating him up so much. It's really nothing personal.' He reconsidered the sentence quickly. 'Perhaps it's a little bit personal but only a little bit, mind you.'

  Eomer growled.

  'I haven't been this angry since that annoying Sue masqueraded as my wife and coerced me into giving her my favourite horse so she could run away to the hills and … erm … well, I've forgotten exactly what she wanted to do but it doesn't matter. My point is, I'm really annoyed.'

  'You will be given a new cellmate, I assure you,' Faramir said, in a hurry.

  'Yes, because I never build close relationships with anyone. People are all the same to me,' Eomer said, his words dripping with sarcasm.

  Faramir bowed his head in what Eomer guessed – correctly – was an apology.

  'Who is this new cellmate anyway?'

  'Well, he's rather new to being chased by Sues, so you can show him the ropes and all that, I'm sure,' Faramir said.

  Eomer nodded. 'Right. And his name?'

  Faramir pretended he hadn't heard. 'He has a few attitude problems sometimes but I'm sure he'll get over them.'

  Eomer was beginning to lose his patience now and it showed. 'His name?' he repeated, gritting his teeth.

  Faramir had edged very close to the door. 'At first you might not get on, but I think that problem can be overcome.'

  Eomer stood up. 'That's lovely. Now give me his name.'

  'He has experience in Rohan too, so you can chat about your home. Isn't that nice?'

  Eomer grabbed Faramir by the scruff of the neck. 'You stupid Gondorian, just give me his name! It's bad enough that you're shagging my sister, don't make me feel worse towards you.'

  Faramir whispered something.

  'Excuse me?'

  Faramir's eyes were wide, as he said, 'His name is Grima Wormtongue.'

  The screams were heard all through the Asylum.


End file.
